In the end
by claudia1
Summary: “I’ve bought a bottle.” You can still remember when he first told you those four words. He had been sober for nearly two years


Disclaimers: These characters are not mine, they belong to other people

"I've bought a bottle."

You can still remember when he first told you those four words. He had been sober for nearly two years. Two years during which you got to know the father you had first known as a young child. The father who was able to get though a day without making a cutting remark towards you. The father you could talk to without feeling anything but a burning disappointment.

The father you know without the use of large amounts of alcohol getting though the day is a kind man. He makes sure that any problem you have can be solved, with his help. The man who doesn't drink is a man you love. A man you are proud to know. A man you always enjoy spending time with.

The father who drinks is a man you can't hate, but he is a man who reduces you tears on a daily basis. The father who drinks calls you names, reduces you to tears and enjoys doing it. In the very beginning when his drinking was even worse than it I now, his words were not his only weapons of choice. He used his fists or whatever object he could lay his hands upon. That father never remembered all the broken bones he gave you. He never could remember why you were always so bruised. It's called an alcoholic blackout when a person drinks so much that they can't remember what happened the next day. When he saw those bruise or how much pain you were in he tried to take care of you. That are didn't last. The bottle always interrupted it. When he was bad with the drinking you learnt to say few words. To keep out of his way and never answer back. It was never a lesson you learned to well, not when he looked at your brother. Not when you knew that your little brother would become a victim of his abuse. Despite not fully learning that lesson you protected your brother. You made sure he would always look at your father with love in his eyes. It may have been for that small reason that your brother never knew what having an alcoholic for a father could be like. It's the one thing in your life you can be proud of. It took you nearly dying for him to stoop drinking the first time. It was a day you never believed would happen. A day that began the first real memories you have of a sober father. Those sober years lasted for just two years. Two years of a loving father.

When your little brother left for college the drink became his friend again. At the beginning he honestly believed he could hide his drinking from you. He couldn't you knew all of the signs. You knew where he hid the bottles, where he hid the bottles that he had yet to drink. You knew all of the excuses he used when he ran out of drink and he had a desperate need for more alcohol. The most used excuse was I going for supplies. Even if it was true you never believed his excuse. You knew that the drink was the one thing he wanted above all else. You tried everything to get him to stop drinking. Blackmail, you told him of the countless promises he had sworn to you that he would never again drink. The promises that drink would never again be his only want in life. It was a promise you desperately hoped he would keep, but he never did.

Part of you wants to blame mom's death fro his drink problems. Mom's death was never part of the problem. It didn't stoop him from using it as an excuse for all of his problems. You knew that mom's death wasn't the reason he could never stop drinking. It could be that he was just a person who liked the taste of alcohol and was unable to say no to it. Just maybe, there wasn't even a reason for why he drank so much.

When he disappeared on his hunts for a brief moment you felt nothing, but relief. He was finally gone. He had left and you were finally safe from his constant stream of abuse. It didn't bother you that he had left. It was that one thing that he had done, you could honestly be grateful for. It was only when you realised that he left his journal behind, his leaving was something other than hi leaving you. It was something that would get him killed. Despite all that your father had put you though, you knew that it was time to go and get Sammy. You knew it was the only real chance you had of finding him.

A very big part of you doesn't care that he has left and what he is looking for will get him killed. That party of you sees it as justice for all e has put you though. There is that small part of you, the small child who still carves the attention and love of his sober father. That part of you wants to help him. It's not any of those parts of you which finally cause's you to contact Sammy again after a four year long absence. You knew that Sammy still looked at him with love in his eyes. You don't want to take that away from Sammy. You don't want him to feel nothing for your father. You don't want Sammy to have that dead place in his heart where your emotions used to be.

You want to save Sammy from that. You don't want him to know what it feels like to love someone so much, but to hate them so much more.


End file.
